Mr D.B.Payne of Wolverhampton writes:
Canst
thou not minister to a mind diseas'd, pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow,
raze out the written troubles of the brain, and with
some sweet oblivious antidote, cleanse the stuff'd bosom of that perilous
stuff which weighs upon the heart?
Dr Kingbertt says:
Personally,
I regard Opium as the most universal and effective of all remedies, which
it has pleased Almighty God to give to man to relieve his sufferings. Otherwise
you could try Alcohol or cannabis to dull your senses.
NEXT!
Mr Kram of Tamworth writes:
I
am so stressed out that my sleep is being disturbed by Saddam Hussein listening
to the Carpenters in my head. What should I do?
Dr Kingbertt says:
Try
getting him to listen to a vacuum cleaner or a lawnmower, or if you're more
adventurous, try Opium, Alcohol or Cannabis. All of the aforementioned are
quite effective in inducing somnambulance.
NEXT!
Mr Wilde of Moseley writes:
The
hook on the back of my eye has come adrift and the elastic is stuck
in my brain. What remedial action should I take?
Dr Kingbertt says:
If
this condition is causing any pain I would reccommend trying Opium or maybe
Alcohol or Cannabis to dull the senses.
Seeking the advice of an opthalmic optician or neurologist
would probably be pointless.
NEXT!
Gladys of Castle Bromwich writes:
My
bum socket itches like crazy, is there something I can annoint it with?
Dr Kingbertt says:
No
Gladys there isn't, I'll have to slash you open and cut the nerve endings
supplying your hot dog.
NEXT!
Mr Kellog of Alabama writes:
For
the last 6 weeks I have taken your advice and stuck to a strict diet of
Alcohol and Cannabis, but I still feel quite morbid and unhappy.
Dr Kingbertt says:
Have
you tried Ecstasy?
NEXT!
Mr Reed of Moseley writes:
Since
injuring my back I can't lift heavy weights and I'm losing work because
of it. Is there anything I can do, I'm desperate.
Dr Kingbertt says:
Well you could
try PCP, Angel dust. It'll give you the strength of ten men. Laudanum will
help with any pain.
NEXT!
Mrs Windsor of London writes:
There are things
hanging from my arse.
Dr Kingbertt says:
Sounds like
haemorrhoids, stop mewling and cut them off
thus ...
NEXT!
Gypsy Woo writes.....
I recently lost
my head in a card game, I've tried aromatherapy
but I'm not sure if it's working seeing as I can't smell the oils. I have
no money for treatment since I lost that in the same card game. Is there
ANYTHING I can do?
Dr Kingbertt says:
I think a long
term course of Smack should do the trick, inserted directly into the exposed
spinal column.
NEXT!
Warren of Upper Gornal writes:
My knob has
come up like a Flyagaric, red with white spots, is there a remedy?
Dr Kingbertt says:
Yes Warren,
dont worry, I can do this...
NEXT!
